Another sleepless night, I don’t know how many I can take before I break.
We’ve moved her to the co sleeper bassinet. So far, she’s slept with me- I never thought I would be a co-sleeper but after having a c section it was easier on my body.
I can feel my skin starting to crawl, my throat, my heart, my whole chest & my stomach start to tighten. I can feel and hear my heart palpitating in my skull. I want to cry, but my body feels in shock, I can’t move, or breathe properly. I feel like this is what an asthma attack would feel like, or a panic attack. I realise I’m having a panic attack.
So far, we have been lucky enough to have people with us from a week before Indigo was born, until just over a week ago. I am craving our family being together, without anyone else, as much as I have loved the help with the washing and cooking and taking care of our dog. Finally being alone coincides with Nathan going away for work for a week, and I realise I am alone with this beautiful baby, but it’s hard when she screams and will not sleep (and I mean scream, the dr said she’s got lungs of an opera singer- and my god she has no problem letting us know she’s unhappy).
(What timing, leap four has started, my app says another 33 days... don’t worry, I don’t rely on this app)
I’ve had 3 panic attacks today, luckily I’m with people who care for me. But it really highlights I have some work to do on healing from birth trauma (and some sleep to catch up on). I want to move forward with my life and only see the positive of Indigos birth and enjoy this manic ride which parenthood is.
I’ve had friends and family reach out to me, and I’ve been honest with them all in letting them know how I’m feeling and what I’m going through. I feel guilty that I am struggling when I have the most insanely beautiful baby girl. But it is hard to have sole care of her all the time. I’m so lucky that I’ve got an amazing husband and family & friends that care.
Not everyone shares when they are feeling down. Post natal depression is nothing to be ashamed of, they say one in 5 women suffer, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s more.
I’m seeking my friends, my family & professionals to help me, so I can be the best mother I can be for my family.
Please feel free to contact me if you feel this way, I never want you to feel alone in this new beautiful world of motherhood.